Nothing is off limits on this blog and I was taking suggestions from people in my circles about what to write when I received this great one. While I when I originally started this blog I wanted to focus on sharing the best deals around, talking about family dynamics is too tempting a subject for me to pass up such an interesting topic.
Whether there is an element of truth to the statement or it's a stereotype with no basis in reality that evolved from a misogynistic patriarchal society (Lol did I actually just say that?), women have a reputation of being catty and competitive. But not competitive in the "good" way, you know, like men are competitive about sports or in the workplace. We seem to have a reputation of wanting to compete over things that society doesn't believe add significant value to our lives. We compete over our clothes, make up, jewelry, etc. It should come at a shock to no one that we would compete over wedding related matters.
As weddings get bigger and more expensive, we are expected to outdo each other in all aspects of our planning. If only so much emphasis was placed on who had the best marriage! However, that's for different blog that I'll create if I get around to it. On this site, we'll stick to the superficial things, shall we? For example, in my case, I knew that my wedding would be weighted against my cousins' weddings. Both the weddings that happened before mine as well as those still in the pipeline. Allow me to emphasize that I did not care one lick, because my only competition is myself. I don't strive to rank myself against others, yet, that didn't change the fact that I knew it was happening. People commented on my dress, my choice in colors and my stationary. Good and Bad. If you're wondering how I could still not care knowing I am being compared, it's because I know they would probably fall short in the only comparison that matters: my husband.
I see myself straying from the superficial again so let me get back on track.
Unless you're a teenager or in your 40s, chances are a lot of your friends are getting married shortly before or after you. Shortly in this case could be as recently as a few months or as long as 3 years but the point is that it's not a decade or more. People tend to get married in the same age group as their peers and we tend to be friends with those in our age group since we meet them through school and work.
Take the competitive nature of human beings, the fact that some women do live up to the stereotype of being catty and throw it in the mix with the stress of wedding planning and the pressure for everything to be perfect, and you have a recipe for disaster. People have been accused of stealing ideas or venues and trying to sabotage another bride's special day. I mean we are talking real life Bride Wars. Before you try to shave your best friend's head to make sure you look better than her, I'll give you some coping tips on dealing with another bride-to-be in the midst of your own planning.
Whether there is an element of truth to the statement or it's a stereotype with no basis in reality that evolved from a misogynistic patriarchal society (Lol did I actually just say that?), women have a reputation of being catty and competitive. But not competitive in the "good" way, you know, like men are competitive about sports or in the workplace. We seem to have a reputation of wanting to compete over things that society doesn't believe add significant value to our lives. We compete over our clothes, make up, jewelry, etc. It should come at a shock to no one that we would compete over wedding related matters.
As weddings get bigger and more expensive, we are expected to outdo each other in all aspects of our planning. If only so much emphasis was placed on who had the best marriage! However, that's for different blog that I'll create if I get around to it. On this site, we'll stick to the superficial things, shall we? For example, in my case, I knew that my wedding would be weighted against my cousins' weddings. Both the weddings that happened before mine as well as those still in the pipeline. Allow me to emphasize that I did not care one lick, because my only competition is myself. I don't strive to rank myself against others, yet, that didn't change the fact that I knew it was happening. People commented on my dress, my choice in colors and my stationary. Good and Bad. If you're wondering how I could still not care knowing I am being compared, it's because I know they would probably fall short in the only comparison that matters: my husband.
I see myself straying from the superficial again so let me get back on track.
Unless you're a teenager or in your 40s, chances are a lot of your friends are getting married shortly before or after you. Shortly in this case could be as recently as a few months or as long as 3 years but the point is that it's not a decade or more. People tend to get married in the same age group as their peers and we tend to be friends with those in our age group since we meet them through school and work.
Take the competitive nature of human beings, the fact that some women do live up to the stereotype of being catty and throw it in the mix with the stress of wedding planning and the pressure for everything to be perfect, and you have a recipe for disaster. People have been accused of stealing ideas or venues and trying to sabotage another bride's special day. I mean we are talking real life Bride Wars. Before you try to shave your best friend's head to make sure you look better than her, I'll give you some coping tips on dealing with another bride-to-be in the midst of your own planning.
Dealing with Competition (or not. Your call)
- If an idea is really special to you, do not discuss it with someone else. Know your limits and be honest with yourself. Would it upset you if they "borrowed" that idea? Don't talk about it. While it might be tempting to share your super cool or romantic idea with your bff, if she's also engaged, you can no longer control what she does once it goes from your mouth to her ears. On the flip side, if you have the tendency to "borrow" things yourself, have enough self control to tactfully say: "I want to be surprised along with everyone else. Why don't you keep it a secret
- While your wedding is about you, their wedding is not. Do not ask the other bride to change her plans to accommodate you. You like the venue she booked? Well tough luck. She's getting married 18 months before you are and she booked it first. The venue wasn't invented for you and it will not be set on fire after your wedding. Hundreds tied the knot there before you and thousands more will after you. You can dictate your bridesmaid's outfit for the day, but if your maid of honor has a bigger engagement ring than yours, you can't demand that she takes it off so it doesn't outshine yours.
- It's ok to have the same people in your bridal party. The friends you have in common don't belong to YOU. They are her friends too. If anything you should be grateful that you have friends who are willing to be there for both of you. Being in a wedding is expensive and those who chose to do both decided to put their relationship with you ahead of money. You're both very lucky and try to focus on that rather than anything else.
- Don't compare. You don't have the same tastes or finances. Not to mention every moment you spend worrying about what you think they're doing wrong or what you think they're doing better than you is a moment you spent no taking care of your own planning.
- Live by the golden rule. Don't go to someone else's wedding and do what you wouldn't want them to do at your own wedding. Do you know a scandalous detail about her study abroad days? I'm sure you'd hate for your fiance to find out that you made out with your yoga instructor when you guys were on that "break", so keep it to yourself. Don't get wasted and fall backwards into the gifts table if you wouldn't want that scene at your wedding either.
- Be helpful. If you've already been through it, it's a nice gesture. If you're still working on your own wedding, build goodwill. Trust me, you'll need it.
- Don't let it get to you. It's very possible you're the more reasonable person in this scenario. After all, you are reading this blog... While my previous tips deals with you working on not being the petty one, it doesn't say anything about dealing with a difficult and catty bride. The most thing you need to remember is that how she behaves says more about her than it does about you. You can't control how people act but you can certainly control how you react to them. If you have a healthy perspective of what matters, you will not allow the small things to bother you. Deal with attempted sabotage swiftly and seriously. Have the conversations that need to be had and move on. Did she book the church you've dreamed of since you were 8? That's fine unless you have the same wedding day. You'll have different flowers, a different dress and a different groom. Unless she tried to hack your wedding registry and sign you up for 150 different boxes of silverware or try to sleep with your groom, pick your battles. Not everything needs to be a knock out drag out fat.
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