Managing Stress

Evidently, planning any major event is a significant source of stress. Throw in the fact that you will be the center of attention, you're committing your life to one person until death separates you and the wedding industry tells you that you have to have the bash of a lifetime, and you will quickly find that the stress grows exponentially. We often get so consumed by the superficial details and forget to take care of ourselves. Below, I will give some pointers for stress relief. Some of these I made sure to follow, others I wish I had taken my own advice. 

Take a day off from wedding planning - Unless you're having a shotgun wedding, you likely have at least 9 months and maybe even as long as 18 months to plan. You do not have to live, breathe and sleep wedding plans from 'Yes' to 'I do'. If you feel overwhelmed, take a break. The last thing you want is to resent the fact that you're planning a wedding. Your fiance won't appreciate the "this sucks" chorus you'll be singing if you're hating the process. 

Work on your friendships - Your bridesmaids have lives too. Their problems didn't magically disappear because you got engaged. Get together with your friends for something other than wedding errands. Ask them how they are doing and offer them help if you can. Your marriage may last forever, but your wedding will only be for a day. Don't alienate people. As busy as you will be, the last thing you want is to lose your support system. 

Know what you can afford - Nothing creates stress like tight purse strings. If you're putting everything on your credit card, you know eventually, you'll have to pay it off. If 250 people sent their RSVPs back saying they will attend and you know you can only afford 200 guests, you will start losing sleep about coming up with the money for the other 50 people. However, if you are sticking to your budget and you know that your activities will not create a financial strain, that's one less thing you have to worry about.

Be nice to your partner - Don't do things that will create friction between you. After all, he's your #1 fan and support system, so if you have to avoid fighting with anyone, it should be that person. There will be plenty of things to disagree about, so pick your battles. 

Reigning in Expenses: Why it Matters

Credit: Mary and Money

While I enjoy writing on the topic of wedding planning, I certainly don't spend all, or even a majority of my time thinking about these things. In fact, if you see one of my previous posts, I have shared my wedding pictures publicly and thus my wedding planning days are actually far behind me. No more of that until I have a daughter. I keep talking about the topic because I enjoy writing and I hope that someone can stumble on my blog and use a tip or two.

Is there such a thing as a blog identity crisis? Because if there is, I'm about to have one and go a little off topic. Just a little. Please try not to kick that soap box from under me while I preach. 

Marriage is (intended to be) a lifelong partnership between 2 people. If you google the word 'Partner', one of the definitions you will find reads as follows: a person who takes part in an undertaking with another or others, especially in a business or company with shared risks and profits. (emphasis mine).

As life partners in this new venture, you share the risks and the rewards with your husband to be. Your successes are his, your failures will also be his, and vice-versa. The wedding will end and you will have to go home and heat your house, put food on the table and pay for health insurance, not for one, but now two people. While few households have a stay at home spouse, the fact remains that even with a dual income family, both parties have a responsibility to be good stewards of their finances, and chances are that, unless you bought a home together before you got married, paying for the wedding will be your first major expense as a couple. This is your first opportunity to demonstrate to each other that you are responsible and you are looking out for the financial well-being of the newly formed team. You want to demonstrate to your new husband that you can put together a great party without doing so at the expense of financial security. It would be quite the exaggeration for me to suggest that a fancy wedding will hinder your ability to retire, but if poorly planning your wedding is any indication of your impulsive spending habits or lack of self-control, your partner should be very concerned. 

Here are some parallels between wedding planning and day-to-day finances:

Budget: A wedding budget keeps you on track. It tells you where you should cut costs and where you have a little bit more wiggle room. A household budget also does the same. But most importantly, a household budget let's you know if you're living within your means and staying out of trouble. 

Negotiating: Knowing how to negotiate well allows you to get the best prices from vendors. In the event that you can't get a lower price, you might also be able to convince your vendors to throw in some add-ons. In life, you will spend a great deal of money on some necessary big ticket item. You'll need cars, you'll need a home to buy or lease and you're going to be comfortable negotiating for a better deal. 

Making tough decisions: If you're cutting you guest list to save money, you might have to tell your fiance that his favorite cousin who helped fix his fire truck when he was a kid can't bring his 4 kids to the wedding. You might also have to accept that your brother's ex-girlfriend can't come to the wedding even if she confided in you after your brother cheated on her. And just like that, in real life, you'll also be making some tough decisions. Where to live, which house to buy, if someone should stay home and take care of the kids. 

Doing what's right for you: You'll quickly find that there are a lot of unsolicited coming your way around wedding planning time. People love to share their ideas, no matter how bad they are. "You're having a nautical wedding? Your bridesmaids' dresses are going to be navy blue? How about sage green shoes?" Life will be no different. These same busybodies will give you parenting tips no matter how miserable their kids turn out, they'll tell you they don't like your outfit, they'll comment  on your husband's profession, etc. What a perfect opportunity to show a united front with your future spouse when you tell the armchair wedding planners to buzz off because you're doing what makes you and your husband happy. Most importantly, you're doing what you can afford. So when your aunt Sally asks why you aren't serving steak at the wedding, you can practice setting boundaries by telling her if she wants a steak dinner, she can go to Smith and Wollensky and pay for it herself. 

In conclusion, my recommendation is to not be shortsighted in your actions. While you guys are planning a one day party, the fact remains that how you handle it is a glimpse into your future ability to work together, be reasonable, compromise and make good decisions. With money being pretty high on the list for cause of divorce in this consumer driven economy, I would put a little bit of effort into starting things off on the right foot. 

*trips off soapbox on the way down*

Happy planning!

Official Pictures

I am excited that the professional pictures are here and I love them all. My photographer did a great job and I am glad that they turned out very well. I hope you enjoy them. (Please note that the pictures are professional pictures and are copyrighted. The only people with rights to the pictures are the photographer and myself. You may not use them without permission.)

Black Satin Pumps from Betsey Johnson

Mom & my rockstar MOH helping tie my dress

A bit of a close up of my embellishment 

"I do!" something blue

Aisle 

Tons of smile that day

The recessional 

Enjoying some cool drinks on a warm summer day

Black and white portrait

A few traditional poses

Round monochromatic bouquet

Non-traditional wedding cake

Calla Lily centerpieces 

Father Daughter Dance

First dance

Bouquet

The cake was delicious and we wrecked it

Aisle

Ceremony View

Rings

Love :)

Let your guests have fun

This picture was taken by my husband

I've read some pretty interesting things online about whether or not it was appropriate to ask guests to refrain from taking pictures at the wedding. Your guests are here to share a special moment with you. Presumably you wanted them to take part of every aspect of the day, which is why they were invited. Why would there be any question about whether or not there allowed to take pictures?

There are certainly guests with not so good manners who think they know better than the professional photographer you paid a lot of money for. These guests may get up in front of your hired photographer to get the best shots or might even get in the aisle during the ceremony. This can create a disruption of a special moment. There are ways to mitigate that by using some strategically places decorations along the aisles. That makes it difficult for the amateur photographers to create distractions unless they want to be that guy. It also removes the awkwardness of having to say "sit down uncle Joe. You're annoying our real photographer."

But when your professional pictures take a while to come in, pictures from your guests will be the only thing holding you over for the next 6-8 weeks after the wedding. As of this post, I have not seen a single professional picture & I probably have 3 more weeks to go. The only pictures & videos I have so far have all been from guests who were free to roam and take several candid and staged shots. 

So unless you're Beyoncé and are having a top secret gala, let them have a little fun. Their pictures will be the only ones available for a while. 

My high school classmates "admiring" my ring. This picture was taken by my mom's friend. 

"She Said The 'W' Word!"

Ladies do have the reputation of dropping the word "wedding" in conversation, don't we? We want people to know we are getting married. After all we are spending lots of money to show our everlasting devotion to the one and only. We also get to wear a pretty white dress, act like a brat & be treated like a princess. What's not to love? Just remember that it can cost you. 

Everything becomes infinitely more expensive when people find out you're getting married. Make up which is normally $50-75 is now $150-200. Same goes for hair, alterations, shoes, etc. While there are some things you can't avoid, for example, your make up artist will catch on pretty quick that you're a bride, same for your seamstress, there are other areas where you can keep your upcoming nuptials a secret.

In my case, I wanted chocolate covered strawberries served with my cake. When I asked the venue how much it would cost, I was quoted a price of $3 per strawberry, plus a 19% taxable administrative fee, 7% sales tax and 15% non-taxable service charge. That's a lot of money for a single strawberry I thought. So I decided to contact a bakery and I told them I needed 100 chocolate coveted strawberries delivered to this place, at this time. I conveniently failed to mention anything about a wedding and whadda ya know? They were $1.75 each. 

If you can help it, remember to tell everyone you're trying to book that you're just having a really BIG party. You can save yourself some bucks by saying nothing about a wedding.

What I Wish I Would Have Done Differently

Looking back on the wedding day, everything came out just like I would have imagined, if not better. I wouldn't trade anything about it for the world. I managed to stay on schedule despite the best efforts of some perpetual tardy folks, the decorations were as I anticipated, the food was good and I loved my cake. 

However my planning process left a lot to be desired. With a big family comes a huge support system. That network is expanded even more when the bride attended an all-girl school for a huge portion of her academic career. While not everyone is reliable, it's a pretty favorable position to be in. In fact, one of my very good friend from grade school works part time as a wedding planner. One would think that I would delegate the more mundane tasks to my most trustworthy entourage. Except that I didn't.

The control freak in my insisted that I supervise, no, execute every detail of the planning. "But how am I supposed to know if it will be done right?!?" I didn't realize how much this undermined the competence of my friends and family until someone actually called me out on it. 

My very reliable friend from grade school who was chosen as my day-of coordinator said: "I took a week off to be at your disposal. Instead I spent 2 days sitting around doing nothing because you can't let go of certain things. I feel under utilized." By the time she said that, several things were on the verge of falling apart. 

I only took one day off before the wedding, my husband worked until 5pm the day before and I still had a long list of items left. We were pressed for time and all the things I wanted to control rather than delegate ended up slipping away from me, but in the worst way possible. Not by choice but out of necessity, because I wasn't going to get around to them. It would have been a more favorable situation if I retained some level of control by choosing what I let go of. Instead, it ended up being any "unaccomplished tasks", regardless of how important it may have been. In my quest to do it all, I stretched myself so thin that I barely did anything at all. 

In the end, it turned out fine because no matter how underutilized my friends and family were, they are still competent and trustworthy. And once I finally gave them the chance to step in, they proved it. So my regret is that I didn't step down sooner. I could have saved myself a great deal of stress by doing that. 

Wedding Cake!

Photo Credit Emms's blog

(NOTE: This is not my wedding cake. My wedding pictures are not yet available and I am unable to post my own pictures. Photo sources will continue to be credited until I get my own)

As long as I've been gone, I don't think it's hard to determine that I already got married. I put the blog on life support during the wedding planning because I underestimated how difficult it would be to jump start a blog, plan a wedding and finish an MBA. Now that I got 2 out of those 3 things done, I think I am ready to breathe life back into this thing. Back in March, I made this post about the cake selection process. But I was not able to finish it due to time constraints. Now that I have all this "free time" on my hands (don't tell my husband) I can tell you about all my woes and victories.

I booked an appointment with the GB and rushed there with the then-fiance on a cold raining afternoon. Many things were as expected: personalized attention, delicious cakes, wide selection of flavors and tons of fancy decorations. Other anticipated circumstances included the high prices and they certainly delivered. GB's price for what was essentially the same design, since we picked our own, was $600 more. Not a $600 cake. An additional $600 on top of what IB was quoting before the 10% discount.

Four words: I don't think so.

Wedding planning is not a race to the poor house. I couldn't get out of there fast enough to call IB and confirm my reservation. It was just that simple. As much as I was wishing I made this update earlier, I realize that maybe after the wedding is a better time after all. Now I know that the cake was delicious, it was beautifully decorated, they executed our vision perfectly and I still saved over $600. Maybe I would have boasted about all saving a good chunk of money and found out I was dissatisfied with the cake. Instead, I can now confirm that going with IB was very worth it.

My take away from this is that sometimes the most popular option is not the most ideal. Things can be popular for all the wrong reasons and we need to make our own choices. Even if it means taking the road less traveled.